NIGERIAN LADY WRITES A LETTER TO HER FUTURE HUSBAND

BY ONA ILOZUMBA

I could not help laughing, after spotting this letter

Dear Future Husband,


I hope you don’t think me presumptuous for writing to you. It’s just that I've talked so much about you in the last few months, I practically feel like I know you without knowing you. You see, I'm Nigerian and I live in Nigeria,here everyone from my boss to family to the random old woman on the street talks to me about you.  As I lay in bed (where my best thinking occurs) I had the great idea to write a letter and ask some of my burning questions.

First question: Do you think about me as much as I think about you? It’s not that I’m bored, jobless or obsessed with the thought of you; it’s just that I can’t escape the mention of you. I’m bombarded with comments, questions and pointed remarks that force me to think about you daily. Have you also been getting instructions to work at finding me? I would love to hear how you respond to that. Personally, I think I should stand on a street corner with a sign that says “Will Work For Husband”, because beyond dating I’m not sure how else I’m supposed to work for you. Can you be located by choosing "The One" as my destination in a Google Maps search?

Are you Igbo, Yoruba, or even Nigerian? Truthfully, I would love to know, so all the speculation can end.  Public opinion seems split 50-50 with you being either Yoruba or Igbo. The Igbo men, especially the older ones in my life tell me that there’s no better husband on earth than an Igbo man, especially if he is an Anambra (State in southeastern Nigeria) man. Apparently if you are you will swaddle me in cotton wool, and take care of my every desire before I even conceive it. On the other hand, if you are Yoruba you will not only appreciate but encourage my sassiness that borders on rudeness, my independence and my drive. However, I have to be prepared to deal with competing love interests and your inability to financially support me. In a country of so many tribes, a continent with a vast array of cultures and people, and a word with unfathomable potential matches, must you simply be Igbo or Yoruba?

My future beloved I have to know, do I have an expiry date to you? I've been told that you’ll be extremely conscious of my age, once I’m thirty and have not found you my chances of doing so decrease dramatically. Despite my reported good looks, I’ll be overtaken by younger more attractive women, and you’ll end up being a widower or divorced man. It’s quite saddening that I have a sell-by-date for you and it doesn't bode well for our future because there's a chance I'll expire at some other point. Luckily for you, you apparently are always a valuable commodity, even at sixty, so you probably can't empathize.

How successful are you? Do you own a business, a fleet of cars, live with your parents or in a penthouse of your own? Nigerian women preach to me about the importance of being humble about my accomplishments because I am female. I am not told to be humble because humility is a value of cultivation, nor am I encouraged to aspire to a life of continued humility. I am simply told that as an unmarried woman, even if I have the money for (which I don't) and want a BMW, I can’t purchase it. I need to wait to find you first because purchasing a luxury car or my first place will send the wrong signal, it’ll tell you that I don’t need you and scare you off. Do a lot of things scare you in life? I’m scared of snakes and heights; do you have a similar fear of successful women? You can tell me, I promise I won’t judge you. Does it bother you that once I have finally secured you I have permission to be arrogant, haughty, and sneer at the very idea of humility?

How important is submission to you? I've been told that to find you I must be willing to accept the terrible decisions you might make, that although I know better, it’s essential I let you feel like a man and mess up. I’m not totally against the idea if it involves messing up our living room wall color, but would you still want me to stay silent if our finances are involved? What does the word submission mean to you? I'm not a crazy woman, I would not want to live in a battlefield and squabble over every minor or major decision. Will you be willing to settle for intelligent conversation and debate, love, respect, devotion, compromise, and an occasional battle royale in lieu of submission?

This is a first letter, so I'll stop here because it's probably best if I don't overwhelm you with tonnes of questions. My fingers and toes are crossed as I await a response.



With Love,

Your future wife,

IOU